That Old Tyme Religion
September 6th, 2011 § 4 Comments
I’ve been thinking a lot about honesty, that severe and naked kind honesty that usually makes you look like the worst kind of person. But I guess that’s the point of it, that I am the worst kind of person, so lets all approach it with that mutual understanding.
I hate religion. I’ve seen it do some terrible things, and not just to me personally. The truth of it is, sometimes I call out to God and God doesn’t answer back, either that or I just don’t see His answer. But then that raises the question of God’s communication, if He knows I’m not going to see the way He speaks, then why doesn’t He choose another method of speaking? All of that to say, of course, I really believe that I have every reason to not believe. But I still do, and that’s how I define faith. I’m still here.
The religious part of me, (and believe me when I say that much of who I am is religious) wants to denounce almost all of that. I’ve spent so much time talking myself into seeing a breeze in the trees as some sort of sign from God that, honestly, I really don’t think I’ve got much more of it left in me. Just honesty and the admittance that I understand less than I ever have claimed on even my most humble of days. Religion and church and all of that organization can really screw a person up if they allow it to hold more personal truth than their own honesty.
I heard in a sermon once, and not a normal sermon but a sermon all the same, that if Jesus is getting in the way of you loving other people then you should get rid of Jesus. It’s true, because if that’s the case then the Jesus you have isn’t really Jesus at all. I think that, sometimes, religion makes us afraid of understanding that. Loving someone is terrifying, but nothing should stand in the way of us doing it.
If I’m honest, I know that Jesus loves me and that he loves everyone else too. I know that puts us all on an even level and makes pride not only nonexistent but also kind of silly and childish. I know that I’m really broken inside and that being at most churches makes me angry. I know that sometimes I don’t think God hears me, or that He is even aware of me. I know that my heart breaks for people worshiping religion and that, on the rare occasion that I’m even in a church, I pray that the 13-year-old kid at the altar wont be disappointment or feel abandoned or alone. Sometimes I am mad at God, and I think He isn’t doing a very good job.
But what I do have is faith, and what I bring God is honesty. And if I’m honest about it, I don’t think He’d have it any other way.
i am so glad we’re friends
What I believe is that God is MOST proud of us when we just go on being ridiculously human, and know it, and OWN it. Many other things I believe fall into line behind that. God didn’t create any of us Superhuman. And he didn’t ask any of us to do superhuman things. We should, therefore, accept our mundane humanity so that we can do the very human things God expects.
Churches are painful. PAINFUL. I can’t help being critical and judgmental because I feel that what I carry around in my head has to be real and what the rest of society is projecting as real is totally not the same thing I am feeling.
Essentially, I’m a lonely dork.
I just deleted forty feet of text because it needed to go in my diary and not on your blog.
Ok, I know what you are feeling. I am tired of trying to justify to myself why I believe or feel what I feel. Not that anyone is putting pressure on me to explain, but I wish I had some kindred spirits, whatever those look like.
Mostly, I wish people would be nice to each other and recognize that none of us are who/where we want to be. Unfortunately, it takes a lot for people to reach that realization, and it’s a tough thought to hold onto once you’ve got it.
David, I agree with all you are saying. Your doubts and honest questions are not just indicative of your generation. I believe honest seekers of all ages feel the same. I love you.