Today, I feel nervous
August 22nd, 2011 § 2 Comments
It hit me today that I am preparing to make a huge leap of faith in a very short amount of time. As is the case with any writer, there are extreme valleys of self-doubt (sometimes off balanced by huge plateaus of cockiness). I want to work towards either my M.A. in Literature or my MFA in Creative Writing. I already have a list of schools and programs I want to apply to, some in Tennessee and some in Denver, one in Seattle and perhaps a few elsewhere. But, the scary thing is, what if none of them want me? What if I have to step back and re-evaluate not only what I’m doing but also who I am?
Continuing my education as a writer isn’t an attempt at becoming a writer. Instead, it’s coming to terms with the fact that I am a writer. It’s not self-achievement, it’s self-improvement, or maybe validation.
That’s the root of my worry, I guess. What if I go through this process again and find that I’m not validated? It’s extremely terrifying, because it feels like a judgement on the content of my character.
I suppose I’m looking at an unknown and wondering if it’s going to work. That’s the big question, right? I guess I would feel more confident if I knew I was an able writer.
Frankie Muniz looks back on his struggles with his intelligence and sexuality while trying to survive a dysfunctional family as he presently seduces a young Asian girl: Malcolm in the Middlesex
If writing is the main goal, then you must accept that you will probably meet with little encouragement as you pursue either an MA in writing or MFA. You are right to be nervous. If it is affirmation you are seeking, a graduate committee (and especially your fellow graduate students) will not give this freely. That being said, you obviously possess a prodigious amount of skill. I’ve thought for some time that you should pursue a graduate degree.
I wouldn’t even look at Literature programs– it would not edify you in any way. In general, programs like that are designed to weed out those who do not possess the desire to score at the roots of theoretical understanding; it would not provide you with the tools you desire. Obviously, this is not their only purpose, but unless you desire constant research, pissing contests and the beating of the dead Sarah Jessica Parker that is Derrida you will not enjoy graduate school.
K Beck,
Thank you for your words of encouragement, I appreciate the weight they carry. I am familiar with educational dick measurements, as I have lost many of them.
I don’t need affirmation from my peers or from a graduate committee, instead I think it’s something much more primal and basic and embarrassing. I just want to know I’m good enough to get a graduate degree. Does that make sense? If I can get into a program, then I’ll feel I’ve succeeded. I just want to know I’m good enough to get that.
Writers are, by nature, competitive. Our self worth is generally tied to the success of the person next to us (if our colleagues succeed, we fail). I accept this to be a big ole’ pile of horse shit.
The only reason I would look at an M.A. in Literature would be to one day teach after perusing a P.H.d. I think I’d much rather have an MFA in Creative Writing though.
My dream life consist of being a professor at a university while also using my free time to peruse novels and other self masturbatory arts.
P.S. Thanks again, I mean it. I apologize if I made too many jokes in my response, trying to be funny is my way of dealing with even the most meager forms of intimacy. You should hear the things I say right after I kiss Erin, that poor poor girl.